Assertive Communication
Assertiveness
Assertiveness is a core communication skill that can help us improve our coping skills and control stressful situations. It can also help us express ourselves effectively, stand up for our rights, and defend our point of view while respecting the rights and beliefs of others.
Being assertive can also boost our self-esteem and earn us respect, which can help us manage stress, especially when we take on too many responsibilities because we cannot say no. Some people seem to be naturally assertive, but all of us can learn to be assertive.
Assertiveness is a practical and diplomatic communication style based on mutual respect. Being assertive shows that we respect ourselves because we're willing to stand up for our interests and express our thoughts and feelings. It also demonstrates that we know others' rights and are eager to work on resolving disagreements.
Of course, it's not just what we say (our message) but also how we say it that is crucial. Assertive communication is direct and respectful. Being assertive gives us the best chance of successfully expressing our message. If we communicate in a way that's too passive or aggressive, our message may get lost because people are too busy reacting to our delivery and emotions.
Passivity
If our communication style is non-assertive or passive, we may look shy or overly easy-going. We may routinely say, "That’s okay, I'll go with whatever you decide", and we tend to avoid conflict at all costs. Why is that a problem? Because we're sending the message that our thoughts and feelings aren't as important as those of others. When we're too passive, we allow others to ignore our opinions, wants and needs.
Consider this example: You say yes when a colleague, family member or friend asks you to do something, even though you're already very busy. The extra work means you'll have to work overtime and even miss your daughter's football game. Your intention may be to keep the peace. But always saying yes can poison our relationships. And worse, it may cause internal conflict because our needs always come second/last. The internal conflict that can be created by passive behaviour can lead to stress, resentment, anger, feelings of neglect, being taken for granted and victimisation.
Aggression
Now consider the other side. If our communication style is aggressive, we may come across as a bully who ignores others' needs, feelings and opinions. We may appear self-righteous or arrogant. Aggressive people embarrass, intimidate and scare others and may even be physically threatening.
We may think being aggressive gets us what we want. However, it comes at a cost. Aggression weakens trust and mutual respect, and others will resent, avoid, or oppose us.
Passive-aggression
Let’s also consider passive-aggressive behaviour. If we communicate in a passive-aggressive manner, we may say yes when we want to say no, be sarcastic, or complain about others behind their backs. Rather than confronting an issue directly, we may show our anger and feelings through actions or negative attitudes. We may develop a passive-aggressive style because we're uncomfortable being direct about our needs and feelings.
Over time, passive-aggressive behaviour damages relationships, weakens mutual respect and makes it difficult to achieve one's goals and needs.
The Benefits of Being Assertive
Being assertive is the healthiest communication style. Assertiveness offers many benefits. It helps us stop people from taking advantage of us and prevents us from acting like a bully to others. Being more assertive can also help us effectively express our feelings when communicating with others about issues.
Behaving assertively can help us:
Gain self-confidence and self-esteem.
Gain a sense of empowerment.
Understand and recognise our feelings.
Earn respect from others.
Improve our communication.
Create win-win situations.
Improve our decision-making skills.
Create honest relationships.
Gain more job satisfaction.
How to Be More Assertive
People develop different communication styles based on their personality and life experiences. We tend to stick to the same communication style over time, and it may be so ingrained that we may not even be aware of it. However, we can learn to communicate more effectively if we want to change our communication style. Here are some tips to help you become more assertive:
Assess your style. Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Do you say yes to additional work even when your schedule is packed? Are you quick to judge or blame? Do people seem to dread or fear talking to you? Understand your style before you begin making changes.
Use 'I' statements. Using “I statements” lets others know what we’re thinking about the consequences of our words and try not to sound accusatory. For instance, say, "I disagree," rather than, "You're wrong." If you have a request, say, "I would like you to help me with this", rather than, "You need to do this." Keep your requests simple, specific and clear.
Practice saying no. If you have difficulty turning down requests, try saying, "No, I can't do that now." Remember that no is a complete sentence; you don't need to explain why you say no. Don't hesitate; be direct. If an explanation is appropriate, keep it brief.
Rehearse what you want to say. If it's challenging to say what you want or think, practice the general scenarios you encounter. Say what you want to say out loud. It may help to write it out first so you can practice from a script. Consider role-playing with a friend or colleague and asking for clear and precise feedback.
Use appropriate body language. Communication is more than just verbal. Act confident even if you don't feel it. Keep an upright posture, but lean forward a bit. Make regular eye contact. Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression. Don't cross your arms or legs. Face the person. Practice assertive body language in front of a mirror or with a friend or colleague. In addition to what you say, your body language and facial expressions are also important.
Keep emotions in check. Conflict is hurtful for most people. We may get angry or frustrated or feel like crying. Although these feelings are typical, they can get in the way of resolving conflict. If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit. Then, work on remaining calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm.
Start small. First, practice your new skills in low-risk situations. For instance, try out your assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work. Evaluate yourself afterwards and adjust your approach as needed.
Remember, learning to be assertive takes time and practice. If you've spent years silencing yourself, becoming more assertive probably won't happen overnight. If anger makes you too aggressive, you may need to learn some anger management techniques.
If, despite your best efforts, you're not making progress toward becoming more assertive, consider formal assertiveness training. If specific issues, such as anger, stress, anxiety, or fear, are getting in your way, consider talking with a mental health professional. The payoff will be worth it. Becoming more assertive allows you to express your feelings and needs more efficiently. You may even find that you get more of what you want.
