What destroys our confidence?

What is confidence?

Confidence has several meanings, but here I consider it the feeling or belief that we can trust or rely on our ability to do something skilfully or competently. For example, “I am a confident swimmer” or “I am not a confident dancer.”

In this sense, confidence is not a fixed state. It’s a dynamic continuum that can be influenced and improved. We all have confidence in some areas but need it in others.

Another crucial aspect of confidence is its wide-ranging effect on our personality and behaviour. In that respect, a confident person has a positive self-image and a healthy sense of self-worth, and feels sure of their abilities, qualities or ideas.

Confidence is attractive. You can easily spot a confident person in a group. Their body language shouts confidence. They are comfortable with their capabilities and communicate assertively and respectfully. They speak with sincerity and don’t doubt themselves.

So, the big question is, “How can we boost our confidence and become a truly confident person?”

False Confidence

Confidence that is not based on reality, sound evidence and reasoning is false (pseudo-confidence, fake confidence, and overconfidence). It’s essential to recognise that confidence based on false assumptions or misinformation is neither healthy nor reliable and can lead to adverse outcomes.

Pseudo-confidence can stop us from asking for help, acknowledging our lack of knowledge or being open to new ideas.

Sometimes, intentionally faking confidence can be helpful, but it can only take us so far. In the long term, fake confidence can make us feel like an imposter (worried and insecure) and will show up in our body language and behaviour.

Overconfidence and Arrogance

Overconfidence involves overestimating one’s ability or expressing unjustifiable certainty, leading to arrogance (a false sense of esteem and entitlement).

It occurs when someone bases their self-worth on false or deceptive achievements, physical appearance, or ownership of certain items. This is unhealthy because it relies on external, transient and worthless causes.

Overconfidence and arrogance thrive on pride and entitlement. People sometimes have an exaggerated sense of self-importance (I’m better than others attitude), are convinced they should be favoured, seek constant validation (praise), and lack empathy (narcissists).

What destroys our confidence?

• Very low social status (unemployment).

• Poverty and acute financial problems.

• Poor education and scanty professional skills.

• Lack of physical health and dexterity.

• Mental health problems (anxiety, depression, burnout, etc.).

• Not having or not maintaining interpersonal boundaries (caring too much about what others think (pleasing others).

• Living through discrimination and abuse (including toxic and abusive relationships).

• Experiencing significant losses, traumas and distressing episodes.

• Not having a support network (lack of social capital - relationship poverty).

• Unfairly comparing ourselves to the greatest, the finest and the best.

• Using social media as the main source of learning, socialising and getting information.

• Having an all-or-nothing attitude (perfectionism) and using the language of “always” and “never” or “out to”, “must” and “have to”.

• Negative self-talk (self-criticism – self-deprecation) – focusing more on our failures.

• Blaming others rather than taking responsibility for our own lives.

• Not knowing our rights and responsibilities (not knowing what to do).

• Not living according to our own standards and values.

• How can we boost our confidence?

Reverse everything on the list of things that destroy confidence.

• Find a job or accept a volunteer position in your chosen profession.

• Improve your financial situation as soon as possible (even trying is enough to change your perceived image).

• Obtain a professional qualification (a certificate, diploma, or degree) and update your knowledge and skills to be job-market-compatible.

• Get well soon. Take urgent care of your mental and physical health, and exercise for strength and endurance.

• Dress well. Look after your appearance (avoid excessive fashion and make-up).

• Learn to deal with unexpected losses, traumas, and distressing episodes in your life. Do not let them be anything more than temporary hiccups.

• Set and maintain interpersonal boundaries. Be assertive. Ask for help, and do not let bigots, bullies, and abusers halt your progress permanently.

• Do not thoughtlessly compare yourself with others. Exercise gratitude.

• Use social media moderately and sparingly. Do not allow global digital companies to rule your life through their callous and uncaring algorithms.

• Identify and use your character strengths. Focus on your achievements and abilities, and use them to generate motivation and hope.

• Expand your support network. Take care of your relationships with good friends and family members. Your social health is crucial to your success and happiness.

• Avoid perfectionism and procrastination. Every step towards your goal is a success (every little step counts).

• Be kind to yourself. Exercise self-compassion. Learn to relax. Sleep well, and remember to do what you’d suggest to a good friend in a similar situation. Be your own caring coach, good friend, and loving parent.

• Know your rights and responsibilities. Own your actions and their consequences. Avoid blaming others, even when they played a negative role in your life. Forgive them and move on.

• Review and revise your standards and values, and live by them to ensure your life has a meaningful and worthwhile purpose.